I don't see the listing for Bourg-Saint-Maurice.
I'm not surprised, this is Saint-Lazare.
It's written Saint-Lazare on my ticket.
- Is it my eyes? - I think so.
Yeah, it's my eyes.
Keep your skis parallel.
One more turn and we'll come to a stop on the ridge.
Ma'am? Mrs. Schmidt?
Help!
Damn!
Ma'am!
Damn, what a job!
Don't move, Mrs. Schmidt!
SNOW JOB
Hi, Jérôme. Come and see this.
Don't say anything. It's not my fault.
I wasn't with her.
- You're too much. - I have enough problems.
- Hello. - Hello, doctor.
Hello, ma'am.
- It's her knee. - I can see that.
It doesn't look too bad.
Is that where it hurts?
It's just dislocated. We'll set it for you.
You'll feel better.
- Ready? - Ready, doctor.
Go!
- Didn't hurt! - Yes.
No.
Alphachymotripcine, a tight bandage
and aspirin for the toothache.
Get my bags, please.
Sorry I'm late. I was held up in Paris
with girlfriend problems.
- What's your name? - Jean-Claude, what's yours?
Dusse with a D, as in Dusse.
Room 14. I'll show you up.
This is a problem, because I asked for a double room.
A girlfriend from Paris might come and stay. Maybe.
Sorry, sir, but we're booked solid right now.
Maybe if we knew the date she was arriving.
It could be tonight, or tomorrow...
And she's not the only one.
What are you doing tonight?
The guy doesn't know how to park.
- There's no damage to ours. - Are you sure?
- Nothing at all. - Good.
Oh, damn!
Forget it!
- Piece of crap! - Exactly.
- Thanks. - Sorry, I'm exhausted.
I'm Mr. Morin. I need the keys to my condo.
- It's number 2... - 205.
205? There's a slight problem.
The people haven't left yet.
Oh, no!
It should have been ready yesterday!
- I'm tired! - What floor is it on?
The 2nd floor.
- I'm tired. - Then move it!
Do you have your card?
- Hello, I'm Mr. Morin. - What is it?
- You're in our room. - I'm sorry,
but my wife has been sick.
We'll be out of here right away.
My wife was sick, too.
It's your mistake!
It was ours at 10 after midnight.
Or even 1 minute after. I'm tired.
This is our room!
Calm down! 2 weeks ago, we had the same problem,
but we didn't make a fuss.
Then you're a doormat.
I have it for 2 weeks. What if everyone's late?
Next year, I'll be skiing in July!
Don't get mad. Let's help them with their bags.
Thanks. Hurry up, honey.
- Excuse me. - Sorry.
Are you ready, honey?
- What the hell is this? - This is a problem.
I don't think you've read the rules.
There are 15 people time-sharing this condo.
The décor should be to everyone's liking.
This little hook is a personal touch.
We shouldn't have to look at your bad taste.
I don't mean to rush you...
Thanks a lot. 'Bye!
Don't forget your bag. Thank you!
I suppose I'll get blamed for this.
It's a jungle out there!
Home at last!
Look, they forgot their Scrabble game. We scored!
No, we have to give it back.
Hey, you forgot something!
- Thanks very much! - You're welcome.
- Miss! - Yes?
What are crêpes Gigi?
They're coated in buckwheat and sprinkled with
warm rose petals.
They're delicious!
I'm sure. I'll have a sugar crêpe and a beer.
You're in the wrong place. We don't make that here.
All our crêpes are on the menu.
Do you have batter?
Sugar? Make a crêpe and put sugar on it!
Can you believe that guy?
Where the hell does he think he is?
Don't come back!
- What happened? - Another sugar crêpe.
How's my little Poopsie?
- What was the emergency? - Just a dislocated knee.
- Who was it? - A Swedish girl.
Poor thing.
- Was she nice? - Very nice.
Great looking, amazing figure, and brains, too.
I think she liked me.
I'm glad you had a good time.
I've been working all morning, if you're interested.
- Don't be mad. - Don't touch me!
You're lucky to meet great people in your job.
I have to wait on these assholes with their sugar crêpes!
I'm sorry!
Hello!
Yoo-hoo!
It's me!
Christiane the esthetician!
Christiane!
You've changed! I wouldn't have recognized you!
- Really? - We didn't recognize you!
- How are you? - Fine!
I'm doing fine. Haven't I changed?
Yes.
I'm in love!
I'm currently involved with a wonderful man!
Will you sit down and have a drink? Are you hungry?
No, I just came to say hi. Marius is waiting for me.
There!
The old... The guy...
Um... in the hat?
Yes, that's him!
But be discreet. Marius is married.
You're terrible!
- You understand? - Of course.
- I'm happy to be here! - So are we.
You look great!
- I'm taking off. Not a word! - Our lips are sealed.
- How's Popeye? - Get ready.
He dumped his wife to live with a girl in Paris.
A total disaster!
The family got involved and the girl split.
He came back after a month with his tail between his legs.
In the meantime, his wife replaced him.
Is he still working at the store?
Yeah, but the other guy's in charge.
She was nice to take him back.
- Gigi! - That's pathetic!
- Anyway, he's really nice. - Popeye, look who's here!
Hi, handsome! You look great!
- Come and take our money. - We're serious customers.
How's it growing?
We want you to dress us from head to toe.
Let's start with parkas.
This is my wife, Martine, and her cousin.
- Hi! - Hi, Martine.
- I'll explain later. - Is all this yours?
It's my wife's, but it's like it's mine.
I'll explain later.
Give us the best you've got. Spare no expense.
Bend forward.
- Do your toes touch? - The big toe.
- Can you move your heel? - Of course.
No, inside the boot.
- In the boot? - Yeah.
Yeah, more or less.
Put in an insole.
Yes, an insole underneath.
Yeah. Popeye, the shop closes at 8:00, not at 7:45.
Sweep the floor, because yesterday it was filthy.
He's always joking around.
That's just him. I'll explain later.
I think you've got everything.
Can you give us a discount? Say 10%?
No problem. I'll just ask...
- Considering all we bought. - It's only fair.
No!
I can't do it. Because they don't want to.
Because of the money... I'll explain later.
So, that's that.
- Give me a pen. - Yeah.
- Do you have ID? - They're friends of mine.
Exactly.
- I'll explain later. - We figured it out.
I really need a double room for tonight.
OK, 2 breakfasts in case she arrives during the night?
Sure.
Let's go, Jean-Claude!
What are his main problems?
- He's too stiff. - He doesn't use his poles.
He leans too far back.
I can't stop!
- Watch it! - It's not my fault.
So we agree that Jean-Claude sucks?
- Yes. - He's the best of all of you.
- What's Bernard's problem? - He's selfish.
- That's not nice. - In terms of skiing.
You only use one leg. Did you injure the other?
- Got pins or something? - No.
If you take off one ski, you'll find out
that both legs work. Take off one ski.
I'll break my neck!
- I want you to feel it. - I can do it.
- Did you feel it? - I got it!
Nathalie, you lean back like you're not into it.
No, my boots are too big!
- My feet are at the front. - Yeah.
Yeah. Try about 10 sizes smaller.
Come to the store.
- I can't do this. - It's easy!
Let it pull you and don't sit on it.
- Don't sit down? - No!
- I get it! - No!
Let it go!
Out of the way! She's butting in line!
- Have some manners! - Go ahead!
These boots are way too big!
- Buckle them tighter. - They won't go tighter!
Watch me and do what I do.
Let's go.
Out of the way!
You're a danger to everyone! Are you OK?
No, I should've stuffed my boots with newspaper
or something! - You just realized that now?
Let go of the bar after that tower.
I can't, I'm stuck!
Get it unstuck!
Way to go!
Hey, Bernard!
Be right there!
Sorry!
- Having dinner with us tonight? - No, I have a date.
- With who? - The hotel manager.
I can't stand her up, she was so into it.
I feel like tonight...
I'm going to score.
- Can you help me? - No.
You amaze me. You're already on the prowl.
You and I have the same problem.
We can't rely on our looks, especially you.
I say forget you have no chance and go for it.
You never know what'll work.
I have to catch the chair.
It's about to close.
Hey you!
Take my skis, will you?
Those are my skis!
They're mine.
My name's on them. Is your name Bernard Morin?
Sorry, they're the same as mine. I'll show you.
- Yeah. - Look.
They are the same.
Except yours are older, conveniently enough.
It's the obvious thing to do.
I just made a mistake!
Wanna see a mistake?
Asshole!
My ski!
Watch out! My ski!
Damn liar!
Shit!
The damage is done.
If you can't ski, stay home!
I didn't do it!
You didn't do it!
I got my skis mixed up.
- Whose ski is this? - Mine.
- Well, then? - I didn't...
It just missed my mother!
- How are you, Mom? - She's fine.
Fine? I hope you have insurance.
Who's gonna pay for a new windshield?
I hope they fix it. I'm going to be late.
You'll catch cold.
Let me have some fun.
Let's go in, Christiane!
I'm coming!
Stop ordering me around!
You're good.
- I love this sport! - You're getting better!
Yes...
- Let me do 5 more minutes! - Oh really, now!
- I'm really getting better. - You sure are.
10 more miles and that's it!
Hey, Popeye, are you blind?
Do you mind? They're my customers.
The moods he gets in!
- Try this. - OK.
Can we go heli-skiing?
Any time! Want me to set it up?
- Are we good enough? - Easy.
I'm in.
Popeye!
C'mere for a minute!
There's 300 F missing.
I see.
I borrow money and you call me a thief?
Thanks for your trust.
In that case, I'll give it right back.
Please do.
Don't have it on me.
Give me 5 minutes.
OK, where were we?
Is that better?
Better, but not the right one.
- Tighten the buckles. - That's it.
Could you lend me 300 francs? I'd appreciate it.
Thanks.
Boots should be tightly buckled.
Let's tighten these buckles.
You have 2 buckles to tighten...
- You didn't tighten them. - One by one...
- There. - That's better already.
The last one...
...is hard.
What's wrong?
- Too tight. - Undo it!
We need a screwdriver or something.
You wreck them, you pay for them!
Don't worry!
Put that back!
- She'll get used to it. - That's it.
Otherwise, we'll ruin the boots.
Keep them on, and your calves
will gradually shrink so you can take them off.
Coming to bed, Nathalie?
I can't take it anymore.
I can't take it.
I'll sleep like a baby.
"When will I see"
"That marvelous land"
"Where lovers can be together always?"
'Morning!
'Morning.
I hope you didn't wait for me last night.
I didn't get in until 3:00.
I didn't end up going skiing.
2 breakfasts...
Where's your friend?
She'll be here soon.
Shit!
Damn, it's frozen!
Piss me off!
Oh, come on!
Only one way...
You're urinating on my car.
- What? - You're urinating on my car.
Sorry! It's the same as mine.
- It's even the same color. - Uh-huh.
Sorry!
Can I finish?
Good car!
Excuse me...
I'd like a private lesson
with Anne Laurencin.
1 hour or 2?
The whole day.
- Are you OK? - You poked my eye out!
- Let me see. - Look at this.
- Nothing there. - It's a joke.
- Very funny. - Coming skiing?
No, I have a private lesson with Anne Laurencin.
- You can pick 'em. - Nice one!
- I do what I can. - Have fun.
If I can get these off.
Mr. Dusse!
You had a class with instructor #12?
She's sick. I'm replacing her.
I hope it's not too serious.
Taking a full day is the way to improve.
We'll take the lift up
and have some mulled wine.
Ow! Watch it!
I've seen that before.
You don't have the knack.
But you do!
Nice one!
Damn! Take the dog.
Damn! An emergency.
Tell Gigi it's an emergency or she'll wonder.
Let her wonder.
Please! I don't want her to worry.
- What's the emergency? - It's a bit unusual.
- Hello. - Hello, doctor.
What's it about? What was that?
- What the hell is this? - It's Buddy.
What the hell is Buddy?
It's his name. Our pig is named Buddy.
I don't do animals!
You were so nice last time, doctor.
Last time I helped you out. I'm not a veterinarian!
He's anemic and he's not eating.
He's anemic? So eat him!
Eat him!
Miss, get rid of these people.
Eat him!
Bend, plant your pole, straighten your knees.
Bend, plant your pole, straighten your knees...
I've had enough.
Want some mulled wine?
Yeah.
I'm gonna puke.
Don't make such a big deal about it!
You're OK!
I can't believe this!
Standing right in the way!
No, I've told you 100 times:
You're not planting your poles right.
Get it into you head. Plant your poles.
Yes, I've heard it 100 times.
Wait!
- Hi! - Hello!
Can I ride with you? This guy's trying to kill me.
Sure, why not?
- Lift ticket. - I have it here.
Hang on...
You dropped your ticket
and I picked it up. You'll forget your own head.
Yeah, I know.
A 20-minute ride is long enough
for a lesson about planting our poles.
Afterwards, you can have some mulled wine.
You're planting your poles wrong...
Plant your poles...
I'll plant my pole...
Mr. Dusse, are you OK?
It's just the mulled wine.
I'll be all right.
Ready?
Wait a minute!
Mr. Camus!
- How are you? - Fine.
Can I have a word with you?
Yeah, hang on a second.
He's off.
My wife sends you your things.
I got home early, and they're in the way.
I think there's been a misunderstanding.
Your wife put me up just as a friend.
Of course! And since there's only one bed,
you must have slept on the floor.
Yes, it's very hard, but it was a big help.
- Thanks a lot. - I won't pay
for the lessons. I'm sure she didn't do much skiing.
- Not even half? - No.
But she skied a bit.
No.
- I was counting on it. - Oh, well.
- It's on me. - I have to go.
I won't bother
punching you out. - No, don't bother.
- Nice to meet you. - 'Bye, Mr. Camus.
What's my time?
I forgot to turn off the stopwatch.
- 45... - Point 8.
- 45.8. - 45.8?
5 seconds under yesterday's!
Without even trying! It's my championship skis.
I'll thrash them tomorrow!
I'm in top form!
She's there.
- Is her cousin gone? - He left 2 days ago.
It's fine.
I feel like I'm getting along better with Martine.
- Do you think she's over it? - It's obvious.
She hasn't said a word to me in a week.
- Uh-huh. - So...
- You think it's a good sign? - Yes, I know her.
She wants me to make a move.
She's thinking...
She went too far and I'm a great guy.
- She's stuck with the cousin. - Really, Popeye.
Maybe you're the only one interested.
Yeah, maybe.
I can't live without her.
And I've changed a lot, don't you think?
Yeah, yeah.
So it should work.
As long as you're convinced.
I wish you luck. She's worth it.
- I know. - Don't forget your suitcase.
Oh, yeah!
My suitcase.
I don't know where I'm sleeping tonight.
You can't stay with us, you know Gigi.
Sure do.
'Bye.
Poor guy.
Hi, Martine. Am I disturbing you?
I have a favor to ask.
I don't have a place to stay, so I thought...
maybe I could sleep here tonight?
You're alone, I thought you wouldn't mind.
Come in.
Thanks, this is really nice of you.
Thank God we found each other again.
I owe it to the girl from Bordeaux's husband.
Yeah...
I did her for 2 months at 400 francs a day.
Her husband came back early, so I have nowhere to live.
Otherwise, I wouldn't be here.
Did I say something wrong?
You'd better watch it.
Don't talk to me like that.
Damn!
Coming!
Hang on just a minute!
I'm coming!
Yes?
- Oh, it's you. - Jean-Claude, are you alone?
- Yeah, for now. - I need your help.
Can I sleep here tonight? I have nowhere else to go.
It's too cold to sleep outside.
No, I can't help you, because
I was hoping to score with the receptionist.
Thanks, Jean-Claude, this is really nice of you.
Damn, that's bright!
Your girlfriend?
No, I'm just helping out a friend.
- Nothing wrong with that. - No, nothing.
We'll start every 30 seconds.
Every 30 seconds.
Now, the special slalom
for the 10th International Doctors' Competition.
We're starting every 30 seconds now.
Can you hear me?
Hear me?
I did 45.8 yesterday.
Now starting: #34,
Dr. Jérôme Tarrayre, France.
That felt good!
Listen!
Dr. Jérôme Tarrayre: 67.22 seconds.
- What? - You're in the top 40!
- What did he say? - 67.22.
- There must be a mistake. - Why?
It's 20 seconds more than yesterday!
Don't get mad. I think you hit a gate.
I did not! You don't know what you're talking about.
- Are you ever stupid! - I see!
I'm stupid.
It can't be 20 seconds more than yesterday.
I put all my effort into it.
Maybe yesterday there was a stopwatch problem.
Yeah, a stopwatch problem.
- Let's go see the judge. - No!
Yesterday...
Jérôme!
Your clock's off by about 20 seconds!
Don't fuck with me!
You bunch of assholes! Scum!
- You alright? - Take it easy!
This is my last competition!
Maybe we made a mistake with the stopwatch.
In which case you're 54th.
In 10 years, they've never let a GP win!
Never, never, never!
Psychiatrists, urologists, gynecologists, yeah.
But never a GP! I should've done ophthalmology.
- Relax. - Where's Gigi?
- Where's the van? - They both left.
Shit!
- What are you doing? - Taking this sweater,
folding it, putting it in my suitcase,
closing the suitcase and going on vacation.
What's gotten into you?
Remember what you just said to me?
Oh, that's it.
Sorry!
What's important is they're biased against GPs.
I see.
But not that you called me stupid?
You always know what's important.
I'm going to do something unimportant.
I'm taking a vacation without you, asshole!
Screw you!
Calm down! You're just tired.
Go upstairs, take 2 aspirin and rest.
We'll talk when you're less hysterical.
- In 2 weeks, if I come back. - Damn it, Gigi!
I worked hard for this race.
How could I get 20 seconds more than in practice?
You can't figure out that your friends
made a mistake timing you? Doesn't register?
You can't do a 35-second slalom. You're no good.
Well, that's it, then.
Enjoy your vacation!
Close the door!
Screw you!
Asshole!
I'm sorry. I'm a real prick.
Yeah.
Where's the dog? Poopsie, answer me!
I'm calling to see if Annie came by at 7:30.
- Jérôme... - Yeah?
- This starch smells funny. - What?
Very clever.
Do you know why she didn't?
I see.
- Hey, Jean-Claude. - Hang on!
If she comes back, tell her to call me.
Thanks a lot, ma'am.
Sorry?
Oh, I'm sorry, sir.
- How many will you be? - Still 2.
- She's on her way. - Who's Annie?
- The receptionist? - No, that's old news.
Annie's someone I knocked over skiing,
so we hit it off.
Hello, everyone!
We have a helicopter for tomorrow.
Still not coming, Jean-Claude?
No, I'm trying to score with this girl.
Your replacement's a great guy, works in TV.
- It's true. - Yoo-hoo!
We're here!
This is my friend Marius.
- Hello! - Hello, everyone.
- I didn't come empty-handed. - Great, Bordeaux!
- No, it's for me. - Yes...
Marius can't digest white wine. Isn't that crazy?
Take off your coats and we'll eat.
- Yes, let's eat! - Jérôme!
So...
Christiane says you're in hairstyling.
Yes and no.
I do wigs, hairpieces and toupees.
Do you sell a lot? Isn't that a new thing?
Not at all!
Lots of famous people wear wigs.
Are there a lot of bald women?
Tons!
- Like Marilyn Monroe... - No way!
Marilyn Monroe! Bald as an eagle!
- From worrying. - No way!
She got it from her mother. It's hereditary.
Ask him.
Did you make wigs for Marilyn Monroe?
No!
This is good... It's well-known in the business.
I've worked for General de Gaulle.
I made him a very nice red goatee.
- A what? - A very nice red goatee.
- A red goatee. - He wanted a change,
but I don't think he ever wore it.
- I never saw him. - We'd have remembered it.
Who else can I mention?
I don't know. There are so many.
Tell them Farouk's joke.
I can never get to the end.
But it's so funny!
It is really funny.
He'd ask me
10 times a day, "Marius Franceschini,"
"what's a toupee-maker's worst nightmare?"
"I don't know, Your Majesty."
"Flipping his wig!"
Flipping his wig! Get it?
Flipping his wig!
He'd point to his head in case I didn't get it.
- What are you up to? - You scared me!
I always do this with fondue. It's hilarious.
Dental floss?
I'm sorry, I'm really...
- Are you OK? You're all red. - That's what she said.
Where could she be?
Oh, well. Good-bye, sir.
Sorry?
Ma'am, sorry.
- Is she coming or not? - She'll be here!
First one to drop their bread in loses!
- Isn't it a bit thick? - We'll need a winch.
- There's string in it. - That's hilarious!
Who put string in it? We can't eat this!
Is this some kind of sick joke?
Bernard, really stupid prank.
- I didn't do it! - Yeah, right. Jérôme!
You were in the kitchen.
I love fondue! I'd never do anything this stupid.
Stop accusing each other. Next it'll be Marius...
- Excuse them. - It doesn't matter.
Really? I find it sickening.
The food's ruined.
- It's not funny, Bernard. - It wasn't me!
Calm down.
There's blueberry pie and salad. Who wants a drink?
- No, thanks. - A small one.
- Anyone want some Bordeaux? - No, thanks!
Are you sure she hasn't shown up?
I guess she got held up or something.
Thanks, whatever you are.
This year we've only had 43 fractures.
- How do you do it? - I just do.
We're closed.
No, it's Seldmann, Jean-Claude's replacement for heli-skiing.
Go around!
- He's a great guy. - Go around!
Hi, Gilbert, come in!
This is Gilbert, Jean-Claude's replacement for heli-skiing.
Sit down, Gilbert.
I think I've met some of you. Hello, doctor.
Hello.
- Would you like some pie? - I'd love some.
- There isn't any left. Sorry. - I don't mean to be rude,
but you look familiar.
I'm not surprised. I'm Gilbert Seldmann.
He's a TV star.
- On what show? - I'm the weatherman.
I'm at my post, rain or shine.
Get it?
Wait for me! I got away!
Really cleans out your lungs!
It's good for you, after the crap you breathe all year.
How high are we? It's hard to breathe.
About 12,500 feet. The lodge is way down there.
- Nice, huh? - Popeye...
- Is that Mont Blanc? - No, it's Mont Rose.
And... See that?
That's Big Woody Peak. Brown Eye Gorge
is just out of sight.
I feel so small.
- You're not that big. - It's gonna be a nice day.
We'll head up to Brown Eye Gorge.
- Can we eat there? - We'll have a picnic.
What incredible scenery!
All this snow makes it seem so spotless.
It seems so clean.
- Compared to the Mediterranean. - The sea is filthy!
It's a dump! You're tripping over tin cans!
When you come here, it's clean.
The problem is after you leave.
The snow covers everything and keeps it immaculate.
What about in the summer when it melts?
In the summer, you go to the beach.
- Except the sea is filthy. - Oh, yeah.
- Are you keeping up? - Is it far?
No, it's right here.
Someone's here, I see smoke.
Those cabins are open to everyone.
They could be nice people.
Once a bunch of gendarmes sang dirty songs until 3 a.m.
It was fun!
- My brother's a gendarme. - Really.
- Hello! - Hello!
- Where are we sleeping? - There's another room.
Well...
They took it, we'll sleep here.
They took the best room.
There are so few of them, they should sleep here.
Say something to them, Jérôme.
- You say something. - Maybe they'll figure it out.
- What's your name? - Fernanda.
- That's Fernande in French. - Yeah.
- It's a beautiful name. - Yeah.
There's a song that goes,
"When I think about Fernande..."
"When I think about Fernande, I get a hard-on..."
- She knows it. - She likes Brassens.
Is the nice man heating the water your husband?
- No, un amico. - Un amico!
- What about the other moron? - They're both friends.
Should I make Italian spaghetti for everyone?
- Good idea! - Spaghetti al pesto.
"Pesto" as in "pest?"
- Hey! - Just asking!
I need to talk to you.
The Italian's available, she's mine, so lay off.
Friendship doesn't count. It's every man for himself.
Too bad for the rest.
I'm going to get wood.
- Help me? - I'll give you a hand.
Yeah, we'll give you two hands.
Get out of here!
Carry this. Fernanda and I will get the rest.
They're hard to carry.
You're hard to resist.
Are you crazy?
Oh, great!
Doesn't know what she wants.
I was about to score!
What's stopping me from punching you?
- Fear? - Must be it. Let's go in.
Is this where we are? Is this the border?
Yeah, that's it.
It goes right down the middle of the lodge.
- That's funny. - Am I in Italy or France?
Italy's that way... You're in Italy.
We're in France.
I can't go to bed without my passport!
Good thing I came alone instead of with a girlfriend.
It's hard to meet people when you're a couple.
- It's bedtime. Good night. - Good night.
I'm getting tired. Good night.
- She's with him. - I figured that out.
There are some great runs around here.
There's a 10-mile one that follows the border.
- 5 or 6 hours of skiing. - Sounds good.
I'll take you one day.
There are some amazing things around here.
I visited the Douanier Rousseau's house.
That's incredible!
The house is divided in half
by the border, so it's really...
- Yeah? - They built a wall
down the middle to mark the border,
so it's really hard to visit.
- Because of the wall. - Because of the wall.
Fitting, for a customs agent.
The same thing happened
to your mother. - Right!
When she went to Switzerland, she went through customs.
- Yeah? - She had
a pound of chocolate on her.
They searched her everywhere!
For 1 pound!
Anyway...
There's some nice stuff around here.
Can I have a cigarette?
I'm getting tired, too. Good night.
I'm going for a walk.
Are they paying her?
Maybe we have to take a number.
- She's pretty sexy. - She's disgusting.
- Makes me sick to my stomach. - Relax!
Ask your friend to stop looking through the window.
I was looking at the stars
and someone opened a shutter in my face.
- I want some, too! - Scusi.
I'll "scusi" him!
Stop it.
- Is it usually like this here? - Not at all.
Not with the gendarmes, but then they were sergeants.
My brother would never do that.
Bernard, now they're snoring.
These wops can't do anything quietly!
Shut up! Shut up!
Scusi.
Good one, Bernard!
Now they're starting up again.
- They're driving me crazy! - Throw water on them!
You're jealous. Italians are good.
They can't do it all night. Let us sleep!
Shut up!
People are trying to sleep!
Stop it!
Those bastards wore me out.
- Get a move on, Nathalie! - Where does the trash go?
Just throw it under the bed.
- Hurry up! Time to go! - Hey, we're not cattle!
Lay it flat or everything will get wrinkled.
Watch your fingers.
What is it? What's got you so upset?
You knew I had to leave.
I can't get hold of myself.
You have to understand that I'm possessive.
It's all I can do not to collapse.
What would that accomplish?
When you gotta go, you gotta go.
You won't be all alone.
Your friends are here, and you're eating with them tonight.
They're nice people.
In small quantities. I don't know what to say to them.
I feel so different.
You are different, believe me.
Isn't that why we're together?
- I'm sure. - Here...
A present.
Something to remember me by.
- What is it? - A plastic oyster.
It goes "pfff" when you squeeze it.
You'll always make me laugh.
I have to go.
Please, Christiane!
- Put on your seatbelt. - Of course.
- Want me to push? - Yes, please.
Push, Christiane!
Call me when you get back.
I'll try. Push!
- Did you hurt yourself? - No, don't worry.
I can't stop now. I'll write you.
Be careful, darling!
- Keeping up? - It's far!
Slow down, I'm not used to it!
Come on, let's go!
I'm sick of skiing.
Are you sure we're in the right place?
I don't recognize it.
If you're scared, don't ski off-trail.
We're not the only ones here.
Come on!
Go!
Come on!
- I can't continue! - Go sideways.
- Let's go! - I can't do it!
- Let yourself go! - The snow's too soft for me.
- You've done it before. - It's too hard.
- No, it's a cinch! - I'll do it but I'm scared.
She's going fast.
- Go! - She's going fast.
She's going too fast.
Too fast!
- Stop faking. - She's really hurt.
- Where does it hurt? - My shoulder.
Stop acting.
It hurts!
- A lot? - Yes.
The bone's out of its socket.
I'll put it back in and you'll feel better.
Will it hurt?
No.
That's very painful. It happened to my brother.
- Gigi! - Yes?
Sorry.
When I put the bone in place, I'll say go.
Hit her hard to distract her from the pain.
- Me? - Yes, you saw my nurse do it.
- You'll be fine. - I can do it.
This'll be easy. Watch her arm.
It'll be over before you know it.
You'll be fine.
- My head! - I didn't say anything!
- You said to hit her. - I didn't say "go!"
- But I thought... - Are you nuts?
Are you stupid or what?
Could you do it? Watch me and I'll tell you when.
- Is it over? - No, but soon.
- It hurts. - Don't worry.
Don't move. Get ready, Bernard. It'll take 2 seconds.
- Ready? - Yes.
Here we go.
- Should I go? - No!
You're a monster!
- It was to ease your pain. - You win!
- I didn't want you to suffer. - I'm sick of this!
I'm so sick of this!
- Keeping up, Nathalie? - Leave me the hell alone!
Remind me not to do this again.
- Get up, Nathalie. - I'm exhausted.
Everyone's tired. We'll be back in 15 minutes.
It's been 15 minutes for 2 hours!
There are no landmarks.
- I'm fed up! - Popeye, wait for us!
It's easy, it's downhill.
- Shit! - Wait!
We just took the scenic route, that's all.
- What was that? - It happens often in winter.
- It's safe here. - Sure, it's safe.
I don't want to continue blind.
It's unfamiliar to me.
Have you ever been here before?
It was summer and there were cows everywhere.
It didn't look the same.
Did you go to the left or the right of the stump?
I made a mistake once before.
I went right instead of left, or the other way around.
- Find it? - We're figuring it out.
You're lying, Jérôme! You don't know where we are!
We're hopelessly lost and we're going to freeze to death.
I'll never see Poopsie again! Are you happy?
Calm down, Gigi.
Calm down!
Don't beat each other up. This is all my fault.
What difference does it make, you jerk?
You brought us here. We're in shit,
and all you do is complain about your life.
You're nothing but a lackey to your wife.
Gigi said it, we're all going to die here.
We're in shit because you're a jerk.
That's why your wife's cheating on you.
- Sorry, Popeye. - It's all right.
And it's true.
Look...
We've got it out of our systems.
We can start fresh.
We'll get out of here one way or another.
You're a nice guy, Jean-Claude.
It's true.
Only you don't attack me.
I'm going to kill you!
We're saved. I see Jesus!
- You knew about this altar? - Yeah, Our Lady of the Bush.
- Where are we? - The Bush Plateau!
- How do we get down? - Never been here!
You guys go get help. I'm not moving.
I'm tired and my shoulder hurts. Go get a helicopter.
- What should we do? - I'll get a helicopter.
No! What if you have an accident?
- Oh, yeah. - The men will go.
I'll just hold you up.
One man should stay with the women.
- I'll stay, too. - No more room.
- Damn! - Shit!
Stop, Gilbert!
Keep your skis up!
His skis are crossed, it's OK.
You're too slow. Walk up, you're slowing us down.
Why don't I just keep going like this?
We'll be late. Take off your boots and walk.
You're making us late.
Nice trip, considering what it costs.
Let's go!
Even I ski better than that.
Yeah, right.
- Let's keep going. - We'll be there soon.
Are you OK?
Hurry, it'll be dark in an hour.
I'm losing my hat!
If you were on a desert island with a guy like me,
how long would you hold out?
Depends on what we had to survive.
That's not what I meant, I was talking about...
human relations.
When you're in a cramped place,
like an elevator... - That reminds me.
Once I got stuck in an elevator
with a guy I didn't even know.
It's funny how fast you get ideas.
Yeah, elevators give you ideas, sure, why not.
- It's normal. - It's normal.
But thinking isn't the same as doing.
We're not animals.
No, of course we're not animals.
This is just hypothetical,
but let's say we don't get rescued.
Since we'll all get ideas from being in an elevator,
I think... It'd be a shame
to die without one last pleasure.
Hang on, Jean-Claude!
The guy in the elevator turned me on.
- You can't control it. - No.
You're right.
Where are you going?
I'll walk in a straight line. Either I'll find the lodge
or fall off a cliff.
No one will miss me. 'Bye, girls.
Don't be an idiot.
Don't take everything literally.
So you mean that...
if you were desperate, I might possibly score?
Yes.
If there was no other hope.
We'll wait and see.
I don't get the feeling they'll be back.
Another 10 minutes and I'll consider us lost.
Listen!
It sounds like an animal breathing.
A beast!
- I'm scared! - A beast!
I'm scared!
- It's him! - Oh, it's you!
You can't imagine how happy Gigi and I are to see you.
Right?
- You consider this a rescue? - Yes!
Hey, Popeye!
You said it was straight downhill.
- That's what you said. - I must be wrong again.
Instead of walking up in the snow,
we should climb. I think it's just over there.
Yeah...
Climb that? You go ahead, I'm not doing it.
- You'll pay for this. - It's an easy climb.
- I'm no mountain climber! - Go!
- Stop arguing! - Climb!
There are no handholds.
- Calm down. - There's nothing to hold onto!
- Calm down. - I'm calm, there's nothing!
Calm down, Bernard! I'll help you.
- Lean on me. - The snow's too soft!
You'd slip on hard snow, don't complain.
- You're useless! - Shut up!
Shut up!
- Lean on me! - I'm slipping!
What's going on?
- Wait! - You gotta pull us up!
- Pull, Popeye! - I can't!
You're too heavy!
- Popeye! - What's taking you?
Drop whatever you can! The knapsacks!
Hold tight!
Wait!
So? Is that better?
Better, but I can't keep holding.
Your boots!
Look out! I dropped them!
- Drop your chain. - What?
- Drop your gold chain! - It weighs nothing!
He has a thick gold chain that he won't drop.
It's a family heirloom, I can't drop it!
Drop it!
- You wanna drop with it? - Did he drop it?
- Do it! - Did he?
My chain!
Now I can do it.
Hey...
You should stretch out on that bench and rest a bit.
If you sleep, you die.
- Ow, my shoulder! - Sorry.
"Closer to Thee, my Lord..."
Look!
Shit!
You weren't far from the village.
Barely half a mile. Gotta know the way.
I'll call the presbytery and tell your friends you're here.
Parisians are dogs!
Go home, kids!
There are animals here.
Go on!
This is so pretty!
Your place has charm!
We'll just wait for your friends to come and get you.
They're probably hungry.
Don't go to any trouble. You've been so kind.
- I'm starving. - I could eat.
Just say so!
Can you smell wood smoke?
Their place is so cute!
It's so clean, you could eat off the floor.
They must have mountain ham.
They kill it themselves.
I'm so hungry, I'd eat anything.
Look at this lace!
Look at how finely this lace is made!
They have TV!
It'll be a change from baguettes!
- I made them myself. - They're so round and firm.
This is a local specialty.
It's called "foune."
Foune...
It's good and ripe. Smell that!
No, it looks good.
You'll eat it
home-style. Smeared on bread.
- Thanks. - What's in it?
It's made from all the cheese left over
from the year. You stew it
with lard and wood alcohol for 2 or 3 years.
There's pork rind in it, too.
Eat it and you'll be a real mountain man!
Nothing like it for your health.
Delicious!
You can really taste the lard.
It's at least 3 years old. It's the good stuff.
What are the white things?
Those are worms, so you get your meat.
- I'm vegetarian. - They're tiny, they can't hurt.
Excuse me!
Christiane, are you here?
You stood me up like a piece of garbage.
- No! - We got held up!
I really wanted to wait for you.
I felt so alone, I wanted to kill myself.
So I ate 12 dozen oysters.
Why didn't you wait for me?
We got lost. We have to go get the others.
- They're on the mountain? - Some peasants picked them up.
- Consonant. - S.
- Vowel. - I.
Mr. Geoffroy?
Sorry, 7.
- Mrs. Parrion? - Same.
- "Ambuler." - "Ambuler."
There was "blumaise," 8 letters.
Your friends are here.
- Hello. - Hello.
- Guys, thanks a lot! - It was nothing.
- You were half a mile away. - You gotta know the mountain.
- Yeah. - Yeah, gotta know the mountain.
Still we wouldn't be here without you.
- Take me back. - Sure.
Thanks for your hospitality. We'll be on our way.
You can't leave without having a drink.
- No, thanks! - Don't go to any trouble.
- Yes! - We'd love to!
I'll get the bottle.
That's not very nice. Think what they've done for us.
It's the least we could do.
- Did you see what they eat? - It was very good!
Here it is!
So...
How do you get the...
...toad inside the bottle?
Oh, that. We dry it out so it shrinks
and fits in, then swells up in the liquid.
Oh, yeah?
Not too much!
- Here! - Thanks.
Drink it in one shot,
or it burns your tongue.
Does you good!
Your turn!
So...
To your health...
Cheers.
Thanks.
Good luck, mainly.
The cork popped out.
Cheers.
It's strong!
This'd unclog a toilet!
It's not a drink for pussies.
- What the hell is it? - Shallot brandy.
We add garlic juice.
Shallots don't cut it.
Fruity.
Tasty. It's got a kick.
Damn!
Give me your address. I'll be in Paris with a girlfriend
for a couple of weeks, and it would help me out.
- Where we live? - Yeah, your address.
- It's...10 Rue Montmartre. - Huh?
10 Rue Montmartre.
Which district?
- 12th. - 3rd.
No, that's the floor.
- Phone number? - Not yet.
- Brand-new building. - Yeah.
You're not in Meudon anymore?
No... yes... we're moving in...
- Just now. - We found
something brighter and just as big.
- 'Bye, Bernard. - 'Bye.
Come back whenever you like.
I have room for whoever wants a ride.
Not me, thanks.
Thanks a lot, Bernard.
Hey! 'Bye!
Say hi to him!
- Hurry, we'll be late! - 'Bye, girl.
'Bye, have a safe trip and give my love to Marius.
He'll be happy.
- Popeye's nice, but needy! - Good thing
you gave him the wrong address.
- He could stay 3 months. - He's a guy
who's better the less you know him. Popeye...
Yeah.
Bernard and Nathalie are really generous.
They're always ready to give.
Did you see how they offered to put me up?
- Hey, there's Mrs. Schmidt. - Damn!
Ma'am!
So?
Translation: Julie McPhail TV5 Québec Canada